My son walked in that evening and I looked him in the face and said, "Who are you!?" I don't remember that at all, in fact, I don't remember December 15-17 very well at all. You can read about that HERE.
Today, I want to focus on two things. My healing. I am fully healed. If you read the original post, you know that two days later, everything was back to normal. I was "back". 100%. Over the first part of this year, I underwent a bunch of tests to try to identify why I had the strokes, but we found nothing other than I am perfectly healthy now.
I also want to focus on my children. They were the first thing I remembered on my own. I want to focus on my son, Jonathon, specifically. You see, it was into Jonathon's eyes I looked when I said, "Who are you?" Over the first few months of this year I felt horrible about that. Jonathon forgave me. He understood that it wasn't by choice that I didn't know who he was. Jonathon, I think, understood that, in ways, better than I did. But, needless to say, he was still rather hurt by that.
A few months later, that moment in time when I looked into his eyes and asked "Who are you?" and the next 24 hours became the basis for an English paper he submitted, entitled, "A Lapse in Time". With his permission, I am sharing what he wrote.
A Lapse in Time
The man I admired. The man I look up to. The man that was there from the very beginning. The man that I blamed for all of my actions. The man that cared for me. The man that gave me guidance. The man that spent every waking hour, making my life better. The man that I didn't give enough credit to, while I was growing up. The man that loved me, more than I knew.
This man I didn't think about enough. I never pondered; why he went to work every day or why he cared for me or why he was always there when I needed him the most or why he would give anything and everything to make me smile or why he cared if I got bad grades or got into trouble or had a bad day or why wanted me to know how to eat properly or clean myself or dress myself. The essentials and life skills necessary to be successful. It was all just expected.
Until this moment in time, I had never thought about why I called him "Dad".
My own father looking at me with uncertainty.
"Who are you?"
My own father did not recognize me.
In this moment it felt like time had stopped moving. A lapse in time; where memories flooded my head like a dam that had cracked and was seeping profusely.
All of the memories that I had of my father, he could no longer share with me.
The uncertainty of the situation was probably the worst part. All of the possibilities. All of the thoughts I had. Every single one of the thoughts in my head.
What is wrong with him? How can we fix it? Is it something that is able to be fixed? How long will this last? What caused this? How will my family get by without him? How will my mother take care of all my siblings alone? How will my brother react? How will my sisters react? Why is this happening to me and my family? What could I possibly do to help?
These were the questions that led to the many hours of pondering.
Why he went to work everyday or why he cared for me or why he was always there when I needed him the most or why he would give anything and everything to make me smile or why he cared if I got bad grades or got into trouble or had a bad day or why he wanted me to know how to eat properly or clean myself or dress myself. The essentials and life skills necessary to be successful. All of the things I just expected.
The final conclusions to all of my questions; he is my father. I finally realized the reality of unconditional, indisputable love. The love that someone has for their family.
After twenty-four hours, several MRIs, a CT Scan, CAT Scans, a Spinal Tap, EKGs, multiple X-Rays and Blood tests, and overnight monitoring. Laying in that white bed. No doctor could figure out the dilemma that was my father. The one puzzle I wished I could solve on my own.
The uncertainty of the situation was probably the worst part. All I had was time. Time to wait, time to think, time to process, time to embrace memories, time to exude sorrow, time to reflect on life, time to grow up.
A lapse in time.
December 17, 2013.
This date will be remembered for many years to come. It is a day for which I am now thankful, though at the time it was frightening, both for me and my family, it is the date on which I realized how precious life is. It is the date on which I learned that I need to be thankful for all I have RIGHT NOW. Because none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow... Nor are we guaranteed to remember our yesterdays...
Until His work in me is complete,